Martyr Complex
You know that random story that lives inside your head that comes up from time to time?
There is one memory that has been coming up for me recently and instead of judging it, I have allowed myself to get curious about it.
It has been ten years and the details of this story on this particular day are not super clear to me but what I do remember is very clearly hearing one of my nurse co-workers tell another nurse, “let Michelle be the hero” in a condescending tone. I can still feel the eyeroll and judgment as I frantically moved a bed by myself for a patient who was on the way.
At the time, I worked on a unit where when we had patient turnover, we needed to quickly make room for the next patient. As a charge nurse, I always wanted to accommodate the potential admission or transfer, quickly. I took it very personally that a trauma patient could potentially be diverted or not have a bed. I made it my personal mission to make sure other units had space, even if it meant rushing my team and nurses to move patients to make room. Frantic hurriedness is never safe, for anyone.
Ten years later and there are few things about this story that for some reason still stick with me. One, what to me felt like I was just doing my job was actually perceived by someone else as me trying to be a hero. The truth is that her perception of me frankly does not matter, but looking back it has me doing some curious self-reflection.
How often do I unknowingly try to save a situation in the way I think it should be saved? How often do I overextend myself or my team without even realizing until it is too late or maybe never even realize that I have way overstepped?
I am not saying that nurse was 100% right, but I am saying that I have noticed a pattern in myself over the years where I have unconsciously played the hero. It’s not all negative wanting to be accommodating, but it is definitely not healthy to always want to rescue everyone and everything. I believe as I am healing, this story came to mind to show me something and help me grow.
This curiosity has turned into a little research and reading to help me understand myself and how my actions bring a particular energy that may or may not be supportive.
I recently heard of martyr complex and while I don’t want to label myself or anyone else, some of the characteristics feel uncomfortably familiar.
This information is not meant to point any fingers but to help bring awareness and an opportunity for personal growth.
Also, talking about this topic does not excuse the exploitation many nurses are experiencing for their willingness to say YES all the time. Institutional betrayal adds to the complexity of someone who is naturally attuned to going above and beyond.
Understanding Martyr Complex
A martyr complex is a psychological term that describes someone who self-righteously sacrifices themselves or their needs in favor of others.
Instead of being a diagnosable term, this is moreso a pattern of repeated behaviors, not just a one time event to help someone in need.
What is the problem with someone being overly accommodating and helpful?
Similar to people-pleasing, it can actually be harmful to everyone involved.
It also is linked to deep feelings of guilt and shame, especially if the person feels like they cannot say no to any request that comes their way.
What are some signs of a Martyr Complex?
Constant self-sacrificing in multiple areas of your life, not just work.
You continue to sacrifice for people who do not show appreciation back. You just keep giving and giving without any recognition in return.
You continue to put yourself in situations where you hurt yourself in order to help someone else.
You repeatedly overextend yourself and put your attention towards saving someone else over helping yourself.
Belief that everything will fall apart if you are not there to help and that you are the only capable one (this one struck a cord in me as a familiar thought)
There could be many different reasons why someone develops a Martyr Complex
Early relationships in life where boundaries were violated
When empathy turns into deep guilt and shame causing self-sabotaging behaviors
Pathological altruism from conditioned upbringing (maybe in religion or certain gender roles)
Overcoming this pattern of behavior
Similar to most healing work, awareness is the key. Over the years, I have recognized this pattern in myself and even up until last year I would have thought, I am just doing what a good girl should do. Self-sacrificing at all costs. No lunch, no problem. Stay late, why not? Not take care of myself at home, no big deal. Until it is.
Getting non-judgemental support in the safety of a trusted confidant.
Practice saying no. I said a big no last year to someone in my life and it changed our entire relationship. It was the first time I truly held a boundary with someone close to me and sadly, our relationship will never be the same. I mourn the loss of that relationship, however, I spent 30+years saying no to myself, it was time for me to say no to someone else. My no actually led to my freedom.
Overcome victimhood and practice agency over your own life.
Practice the art of empathy with yourself.
Know your values and what matters most.
Honestly, there is nothing wrong with a healthy concern for others around you and wanting to help. But there is a balance for the sustainability not only of your career as a helper and healer, but as a human being deeply loved. We want the version of you that is emotionally healthy and mature, making decisions out of true compassion, not just martyrdom. I believe there is time we have to stretch ourselves uncomfortably to sacrifice for others, but repeatedly doing this results in the loss of the deepest self, and that is not helpful for anyone in the end.
In order to pour out and give so much, you have to be willing to receive the love and grace waiting for you.
That grace can be found in a simple reminder, that you are not the only one. It can show up as a reminder of a character you once played in a story. A narrative that possibly had a layer of truth but now you get to rewrite it in a way where your character is stronger, healthier, and actually more emotionally available. This character makes decisions based on their values, not subconscious conditioning.
Storytelling and vulnerability will always connect us,
Michelle
To dive deeper into this conversation surrounding Martyr Complex, book a 1:1 session with Michelle.
